(Originally posted Thursday, July 19th on Facebook)
So you know how you put your child to bed and shut the door, breathing a sigh of relief and thanking God that it's finally bedtime because you're exhausted and just can't take any more? And then thirty minutes later, your heart aches because you miss them already, so you peek in on them just to watch them sleep and make sure they're okay? And sometimes you open the door to find them awake, maybe reading a book or talking to their baby or cuddling with their blanket, and ultimately they always seem to see you, regardless of how quiet you are? And you immediately duck down and slink backward, shutting the door, thinking "Oh, crap, I've been spotted!"
What the hell is that all about? Why do we keep hiding from our kids? Ever wonder how that looks from their perspective?
That's exactly what happened here tonight. Well, almost. At the end of a very long (albeit fun) day, I put Piper to bed and retreated downstairs to read on the front porch and watch the storm. After the first clap of thunder, I went up to check on her and see if she had stirred. There she sat, resting against a pillow and cuddling quietly with her baby, eyes right on me. With a sharp intake of breath, I instantly pulled back on the door handle, but the look in Piper's eyes made me stop. And I realized what a crappy thing I've been doing for the last two years.
Why on earth shouldn't Piper know that I'm checking in on her? Shouldn't she see that I love and miss her? Shouldn't she know that I care enough to watch her all through the night, and that she is never truly alone? Doesn't she deserve to hear "I love you" one more time before she falls asleep? And I swear to you, all of these thoughts raced through my mind in about three seconds while she stared at me.
So I let go of the doorknob and stepped forward, nudging the door open with my elbow. I tiptoed over to Piper's big-girl bed, where she looked at me with a cautious expression that read "Oh shit, am I in trouble for being awake?!" I leaned over and smiled as I brushed her hair off of her forehead, and she grinned in return. "I just wanted to give you more kisses." And I kissed her on the cheeks and nose and told her that I loved her.
"Love you," she whispered back.
So from now on, I'm waiting a full hour before I check on her :-) But if she's still awake and sees me looking in, I will not shut the door and pretend that I wasn't there. Even if my peeking in causes her to stay awake an extra fifteen minutes, at least it's fifteen minutes that she knows I'm loving her. At the end of the longest, hottest, crankiest, teariest, most tiresome day, we could both use a little extra love, after all.
