Grand love, blue heart

Hi, sweetheart!

Piper is sound asleep, so I figured I would write on her behalf tonight. She got her vaccinations this morning, and had a pretty rough go of it this afternoon. On one hand, I wish I could efficiently convey to you the feeling I get when she suffers through the effects of those shots, but on the other I'm glad that at least one of us is spared it. My breathing gets shallow and I try to ignore the feeling of my chest getting tighter and rising into my throat. My mouth sets into a forced smile and I blink away the beginnings of any tears. I certainly can't console her if I'm blubbering, myself. The worst part is that feeling I get in my belly, about an inch below my navel, deep inside. It's not a sharp pain, it's a slow tugging feeling, like my incision stitches are unraveling and they're being pulled toward the front of my body. Piper looks at me through tears and lets out a yell that magically translates in my mind, transforming from an incoherent squawk to “Mama, please please save me and make me feel better.”

I tell you all this for a reason.

Since I've had Piper, I've learned that I experience two very different types of love, one for each of you. While my pain for Piper is in my belly, so is my love. Your pain and your love I feel in my chest, beneath my left ribcage; coincidentally, right where my heart is.

My love for Piper is strongest in the morning when she wakes up, and in the night when I rock her to sleep. It is a brilliant shade of golden yellow-orange, and it washes over me like sunrise at the Grand Canyon. There is a radiant warmth to it which fills the inside of my belly and makes me feel like I could never be cold again. Her love grounds me to the earth, makes me breathe deeply, and inhale her scent of warm baby skin with the aroma of steamed milk. She makes me feel capable and strong.

My love for you is strongest at night, as I fall asleep in our bed, and in the daytime when I'm reminded of all the wonderful things you do for us. It is the deepest blue of the sea at St. Martin, and it surrounds me with a gentle and fluid grace. Your love binds itself around my heart and keeps it safe. I feel a fluttering lightness behind my sternum that tickles its way out of my mouth, first as a taste of sweetness and then as a smile. Your love makes me feel delicate, vulnerable, and secure.

When I miss you, I feel a crushing tension in my chest that makes me round my shoulders and sigh. When I remember you during Piper's delivery, the ribs around my heart threaten to crack and splinter. My gentle, blue love goes ice cold from the regret that you were so helpless and yet so strong. Fortunately, it is easy for me to transfer the pain back into the love; easier with you than with Piper, for some reason.

I have been overwhelmed and amazed during these last few months by my capacity to love and endure pain. I feel blessed to have two such wonderful people in my life. You and Piper challenge and inspire me to be the best wife and mother that I can. You are my everything, both of you, and I don't think that there could ever be a luckier woman than I.

Safe travels, daddy, and we'll see you in a couple of weeks.

Love, Mama

P.S. – Piper would like to go to the Grand Canyon someday. She wants to know what her sunrise looks like.

One third of a year

Daddy!

I can't even believe that I turned four months old today! Mama pulled out the first picture that they took of me in the hospital. I swear, it looks like a totally different baby! We hopped on the scale this morning, and it said that I weigh 11 pounds. That means that I've gained about a pound and a half each month. Holy cow, that's a lot of growing! Of course, Mama just pointed out that she gained an average of 2.5 pounds a month when she was pregnant with me. I guess we're both good growers.

Anyway, we didn't do anything special to celebrate my mini-birthday. We took my monthly pictures, but that's about it. Oh, and we went to the store, too. Mama had a really good idea. Since I stare at the ceiling as I'm falling asleep and upon waking up, she decided to get me something fun to look at. I picked out a poster with the alphabet on it. I know, I can't even read yet, but if I'm gonna' stare at something, it might as well be educational, right? And I got a really pretty poster with the colors on it, too. I liked them both so much that I started to cry when Mama took them away to pay for them. I cheered up again when she put them in the car. I'm excited for them to be up on the ceiling (don't worry, Mama will be careful on the ladder.)

We've been going over to Auntie B's house once or twice a week so that Mama can work. I hang out in my bouncy seat on the counter while Mama does stuff like laundry, organizes the pantry, and separates fresh fruit to store in the freezer. I have a good time hanging out, watching Mama and smiling at Auntie B. when she comes upstairs to say hi. Mama seems like she's having a really good time, too. I think she likes getting out of the house, and I know that she loves Auntie B. I also think that Mama just feels good when she completes tasks and projects that are quantifiable and concrete. I know she loves staying home with me, helping me learn how to sit up, make sounds, focus on her words, track her motion, grasp my toys, and find my toes. Never really thought about it, but that's a lot! But when someone asks her what she does all day, she has a hard time answering their question. Mama knows that she does a lot, but I think she feels like she has to justify herself by being able to make a list of what she accomplishes each day. We're working on getting over that silly feeling. The point is, she likes working at Auntie B's because, for a three-hour chunk of time, she can see the immediate results of her work. I think that anyone who meets me can see the results of her hard work, in ways that are far more impressive than cleaning out Auntie's refrigerator. The most important thing is that Mama feels good. She is so happy to have me there with her. She always talks to me while she works, spelling things out and singing made-up songs. I'm really lucky to be able to hang out with her and not have to be in daycare. Thank you for that, Daddy.

Okay, it's waaaaaay past my bedtime. I'm sorry that you didn't have such a great day at work today, and I hope that tomorrow is better. At least you had my birthday pictures to cheer you up! Safe travels, and I'll write to you after my doctor's appointment next week.

Love, Piper

P.S. – Mama was on the phone with grandma for a long time tonight. It started out kinda' tense, but at the end they were both laughing and saying “I love you” a lot. I'm not too sure what that was all about, but conversations that end with those three little words must be okay, right?

A little Holiday

Dear Daddy,

Okay, I know you want to hear about my visit with the family, but first I have to tell you about the crazy thing that happened last Thursday......

You know the bouncy seat that I have, the one that Mama puts me in when she's folding laundry or taking a shower? Well, I'm still so little that my bum scoots down really low, and I can't really do much more than lay there. So Mama folded up a blanket, and put that in there underneath me. Now, I'm higher up and I can see better. A lot better. There's that bar that hangs over me, right across my waist; Daddy, you'll never believe this, but there's toys hanging from that thing! Who knew?! I'm still working on making my arms and legs go where I want them to, so these days I just practice my randomly-placed karate chops and kung fu kicks. I gave that little hanging monkey the ol' one-two, and it made noise! I've never been so surprised in my whole life (all 110 days of it.) I was so startled that I opened my eyes really wide and just froze. It was the strangest thing ever. And then this morning, I accidentally pulled the lion's tail, and it played music! Weirdest darned lion I've ever seen. Do you think they have those at the zoo?

Anyway, Mama and I drove up to see the family last weekend, and we had a really fun time. My cousin H. seemed happy to see me. She didn't come right out and say it, but when she drooled and jumped up and down, I took that as a good sign. I think she got a little jealous when Aunt E. held me, but I understand. I don't think I'd like it if Mama cuddled with another baby, either. Grandma was really happy to see us both together. She took lots of pictures. Mama said she forgot to take pictures because she was busy holding me and teaching H. to give me gentle pats and not poke my eyes out. Grandma P. once said that you can't really poke an eye out, you can only poke it in further. If anyone can prove that theory wrong, it'll be H, but I'd rather she not test it on me.

We mostly just hung out at home, eating and sleeping and watching each other. We didn't go to the soccer game because H. had to go to bed, and I forgot to pack my ear muffs. I'll remind Mama to grab them next time. Mama, grandma, and Auntie E. watched it on the television. I heard them cheer when our team scored two goals, but I didn't really wake up. Uncle B. was very happy when he got home from work. He was in such a good mood the next day, he even agreed to hold me! I know he likes me, even if he doesn't cuddle with me like Aunt E. I think they're both pretty awesome.

Okay, Mama says it's time to wrap this up. I think that's a good idea, because we're both getting pretty tired. She likes the fact that I sleep so long at night, now. I guess I like it, too. I mean, it's better than waking up at 2 AM. Either way, Mama's right there when I get up, and she always has breakfast ready for me. She's the best!

Safe travels on your super-long bus ride, Daddy, and I love you! I'll tell Mama to post pictures tomorrow of our visit.

Love, Piper

P.S – If I pull on Lola's tail, will she play a song? I know that I'm a few months away from being able to intentionally grab it, but I figure I should think about these things in advance. I'd like to be ready for these upcoming milestones.

P.P.S. – Mama and I just had a conversation about tail-pulling. Forget that I asked.

Borealis Spontaneous

Hey, Daddy;

I was so happy to see you on the computer today! That iChat thing is amazing! Can you believe how big and strong I am getting? I bet you were proud to see me stomping my feet when Mama held me up, and don't I do a good job holding up my head? I don't mean to toot my own horn, but I think I'm doing great (Mama helps.)

We had a fun night last night! A few people came over; some neighbors and also my friend from play group. I had a nice time visiting with everyone, but I just couldn't settle down enough to eat and go to sleep. There was too much to see and hear! Finally, our friends went home and Mama and I cuddled up for food and bedtime. Well, actually, I went to bed. Mama stayed up like she usually does. Instead of going to sleep a few hours after me, though, she did something different. She got me out of bed at a really weird time, and whispered something about “being spontaneous.”

Spontaneous is a new word for me, but based on Mama's actions I'm guessing that it means something like “let's hop into the car, drive out to the middle of nowhere in the dead of night, and stare at the sky.” I don't know why anyone would want to be spontaneous. It wasn't very exciting. I slept the whole time.

This morning, Mama explained to me what I missed. Apparently the sun did something explosive, and it caused some pretty lights in the sky. Now, I thought that the sun was a pretty light in the sky, but Mama said she was looking for something different, called Aurora Borealis. That's where the nighttime sky is painted with shades of green and blue, and sometimes red and violet. The news said this was a rare chance to see something really special. To see it, though, we had to drive way out past the city to where it was really dark. And it was really late! Mama was tired, but she said she would have kicked herself if she missed it. As it turned out, I guess she didn't see very much because of where we were, but she said she wasn't disappointed at all; she got something way better than the northern lights.

Mama said she was reminded that life doesn't stop when you have kids. You don't have to stay home all the time, miss out on the fun, or wish you could do more. You can still experience all of the amazing things that the world has to offer. And the greatest part is that you get to share it with a brand-new person. How awesome is that? You can still do the things that you love, and you get to teach someone else how to appreciate them, too. I could have told her all that, but I suppose it's something she had to figure out on her own. It must have taken her a while to figure out, too, because we stayed out there 'til almost 1 AM. Mama sure looked happy when we left, though, so it was worth it.

Well, Daddy, I guess that's all for now. We have to start getting ready for our big weekend. We're driving up to meet Auntie E., Uncle B., and my cousin! I know she's five months older than I am, but I think we're going to have a lot of fun. I bet she has a lot of cool moves to teach me. When we're big girls, maybe we can be spontaneous together! Um, Mama just groaned and said something about shipping us off to Grandma's house. Anyway, I love you, Daddy! Safe travels in Canada, and I hope to see you on the computer again really soon.

Love, Piper

P.S. – Mama mentioned something called “camping.” I think it's like being spontaneous, but with lots of dirt, a campfire, and a tent. Count me in!